The Personal is Political

tumblinfeminist:

I’m going to write about heterosexual cisnorm anal sex and why I don’t like it, why I think it is dangerous and why I struggle to comprehend why any female would do it- or enjoy it.

 I am not telling women not to have anal sex, that they should be ashamed of it, that people would only have…

I already put this in tumblinfeminist’s ask box but I wanted to a) respond more in-depth (considering the ridiculous character limit) and b) respond publicly because I personally find this to be a really important topic - esp in light of the questions raised.  This will be long, it will be graphic, and it will be as openly honest as I am capable of being so if you can’t handle that now would be a great time to stop reading.  

Upon first reading the OP’s post I was honestly insulted and upset.  It made me feel erased and attacked because I am a (cis)woman who likes anal sex.  I don’t believe tumblinfeminist made me feel those things and I certainly don’t think she was purposefully trying to attack or erase anybody, but the intentions don’t change the effects.  I felt erased and attacked because despite her well intended and mostly personal questions I have to deal with my personal sex life being questioned on a daily basis and it fucking sucks to have to defend something so personal.  Not to mention that just as it is not the responsibility of people of color to explain racism to racists or to explain/defend their cultures to outsiders it is not my responsibility as a person who enjoys anal sex to explain/defend it to somebody who doesn’t understand and I really feel like that’s what tumblinfemnist was calling for.  Once I got past all of that, though, I did want to respond because it’s true: anal sex (in fact all forms of sex) is/are feminist issue(s) and (as the title of this blog states) the personal is absolutely political.   

So, I am a (cis)woman who likes anal sex.  In fact, I fucking love it.  I physically, emotionally, and mentally absolutely adore anal sex (all kinds) and I really wouldn’t want to have a sex life that didn’t include some sort of anal play (I even go back there when I masturbate sometimes).  The first time I’d ever had anal sex was about 10 years into my relationship with my ex-husband.  At the time he was actually the only person I’d ever had any kind of sex with and our sexual relationship was incredibly open.  We talked about everything (even scary, taboo stuff), there was never any judgement, and there was always perfect respect.  It took us a really long time to get to that point but having that sort of openness allowed us to experiment with things we wouldn’t have been comfortable exploring with other people.  He wanted to start exploring anal play which is something I had ALWAYS (my entire life up to that point) been completely, 100% against in every possible way.  I, like the OP, knew all about the potential risks, had heard all the horror stories, and was absolutely positive that it would hurt like hell and couldn’t possibly be pleasurable in any way.  He understood that, respected my boundaries, and didn’t push.  

But then, he didn’t just want to try anal play with me, he was interested in exploring it with himself too.  And so we started exploring it, really educating ourselves on how it all works.  We spent a good 6 months reading everything we could get our hands on about anal sex for men and women, we started playing a little bit with each other (fingers and tongues, no toys or penises) to see if it might actually be enjoyable or if we just didn’t like it and didn’t want to go any further.  I am a germaphobe and really can’t handle the idea of anything involving the anus/rectum/colon and, again, my then husband was perfectly respectful and understanding.  We purchased dental damns, finger cots, and condoms so that I would never have to actually touch anything with bare skin and could avoid germ contamination (though he had no such qualms and was personally fine with bare anal contact).  

Over time we both discovered that we both really enjoyed anal play.  There was more than just physical pleasure to it, there was an emotional/mental connection that we formed during all of this sharing and working together than I have never been able to match in any other situation in my life.  After months of working up to it we finally had actual penis-anus penetrative sex and it was one of the most intimate experiences of my life.  It wasn’t him getting me to do something he wanted, it wasn’t him doing something to me, there was no coercion, and both our needs and wants were paid attention to the entire time.  The experience was something we shared with each other in equal parts and the connection was so intense and intimate that I honestly don’t have the words to describe it.  Physically it was also pretty mind blowing: the orgasms were amazing, there was literally never any pain, and if it was ever uncomfortable for any reason we communicated with each other and dealt with it.  We both knew it was definitely something we wanted to repeat and then we moved on to him - we bought a strap-on and did some pegging which was just as intimate and special as it had been when I had been on the receiving end.

After we split up I became involved in a relationship with another (cis)man and we also have anal sex.  Our sexual relationship is understandably different than the one I shared with my ex-husband and so all the sex is, of course, different as well.  With him the anal sex is more about pleasure and submission (on my part) and Dominance (on his part).  I have always been a “bottom,” a “sub” and that wasn’t really something I got to explore with my ex as much as I would have liked because he was uncomfortable with being dominant and with “putting” me into a submissive position.  I enjoy being able to explore the D/s relationship with my current partner and things are still very intimate.  He is just as respectful of my wants/needs/boundaries as my last partner and there is plenty of communication so that if I am ever uncomfortable for any reason I know I can let him know and we will deal with it.  Again, there is never any pressure or coercion involved and anal sex is always a shared experience, not something he does to me or gets me to do, etc.  Beyond that I also occasionally spend my solo sex time on anal play.  I have a butt plug (two, actually, one glass and one silicone) and a vibrator specifically for my anus.  I really get off on having my anus stimulated during my sexual experiences and it often helps make my orgasms better than they could ever be without it.

TL;DR - It’s possible for (cis)women to enjoy penetrative anal sex physically, mentally, and emotionally. It’s possible for (cis)women to be equal partners in an anal sex situation who are not coerced or pressured into it.  It is possible for (cis)women to have comfortable, pain free, pleasurable anal sex.  While there are women who are coerced into anal sex, who are pressured into anal sex, who are brainwashed by a society that treats women as objects to be used for the enjoyment of others into believing that they should like anal sex and thus develop a false consciousness about the entire experience and it is possible for ANY sexual relationship to contain a power imbalance that makes it so that one partner is not respected and does not have hir needs/wants met or even respected BUT that is not the only way.  When that happens it’s sad and it’s very very real but there are so many of us out there that really can have relationship without any of that, who can honestly, freely, and whole-heatedly enjoy anal sex without any of that and I would consider myself to be one of those people.  If we’re going to have a conversation about it then everyone needs to be represented and respected.